The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Audience Participation Movie Script


As prepared for the adoring fans of the Memphis, Tennessee Cast known as:

“Absent Friends”

WHITE text is the actual movie script. Orange text is the callback lines!

Note: “Echo” means the lines are spoken OVER the preceding line, not after.
This is an Audience Participation show! Try to keep up!

Science Fiction Double Feature
20th CENTURY FOX LOGO
BLANK SCREEN
  (In the beginning, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away--there was darkness, and God said “Let there be lips!”)
RED LIPS EMERGE FROM THE VOID
  (And there were lips- And they were good)

SONG STARTS: “Science Fiction Double Feature”

Michael Rennie was ill
  (Echo: ...gives head.)
The Day the Earth stood still
But he told us...
  (Eat me raw!)
...where we stand.
  (On our heads!)
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver underwear
  (Echo: Golden underoos) (They were ROCKY Roos!)
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man.
  (How the fuck could you tell?) (I felt him!)
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and King Kong,
  (Echo: When Fay Wray blew my dong)
They got caught in a celluloid jam
  (Echo: Eating peanut butter and jam) (with Vaseline) (Gross!)
Then at a deadly pace,
It came from... outer space
  (Echo: I came on... Where? Janet's face, Thank you!)
And this is how the message ran:
  (Lips turn blue!)
LIPS FREEZE AND DISSOLVE TO B&W AS “THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW” SHOWS IN BLOOD READ LETTERING, WITH THE “S” DRIPPING.
Science Fiction,
  (Excuse me but your “S” is dripping!) (My ass never drips!) (Bullshit!)
(How could you tell?) (I followed the trail here!)

Double feature,
  (Starring a faggot!)
Dr. Frank-n-Furter   (a scientist)
Tim Curry

  (I don't have a favorite Transvestite!) (That's right, you like them all!)
Doctor X will build a creature
Janet Weiss (a heroine)
Susan Sarandon
  (Virgin Slut, on heroin)
See androids fighting,
Brad Majors (a hero)
Barry Bostwick
  (Look, it's an asshole) (No, it's a major asshole!)
  (And fucking, and sucking on)
Brad and Janet
Riff Raff (a handyman)
Richard O'Brien
  (Say Hello, Riff)
Magenta (a domestic)
Patricia Quinn
  (What's your favorite color? Blue--no yellow! AHHHH!! (FALL DOWN))
Ann Francis Stars in,
Forbidden Planet
Columbia (a groupie)
Little Nell (Laura Campbell)
  (Where do you get your drugs?) (From a groupie, Of course!)
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh
  (Echo: Janet's a ho-oh, oh oh)
Dr. Everett V. Scott (a rival scientist)
Jonathan Adams
  (Great, Scott, he's got wheels, but no fucking brakes!)
Rocky Horror (a creation)
Peter Hinwood
  (Oh, Rocky!) (Bullwinkle!)
At the late night, double feature, picture show
Eddie (ex-delivery boy)
Meat Loaf
  (Meatloaf, again? I had him last week!)
The Criminologist (an expert)
Charles Gray
  (Charlie Grey, he's OK, where's your fucking neck!)
  (Who do you know and who do you blow?)
I knew Leo. G Carroll
Was over a barrel
  (Echo: Was fucking a sparrow)
When Tarantula took to the hills
  (Lick it, Lips!)
And I really got hot, when I saw Janette Scot
  (Echo: When I saw Janet's twat)
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills
  (That's one hell of a twat!)
Dana said prunes
  (With pits)
Gave him the runes
  (Echo: Gave him the shits.)
And Passing them used lots of skills
  (Echo: And passed VD with ex-lax pills)
But when worlds collide
  (They go “BOOM!” (CLAPPING HANDS TOGETHER)
Said George Powell to his bride
I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills
  (Echo: drugs and some pills)
Like a...
  (Ex-ray! Look, ma, no cavities!) (No, lips either!)
Science fiction...
  (HERE A CAST OR AUDIENCE MEMBER STAND IN FONT OF THE SCREEN POINTING AT EACH NAME AS THEY ARE CALLED OUT AND READ. MOP HANDLE WORKS WELL.)
Original Musical Play and Lyrics: Richard O'Brien
Screenplay: Jim Sharman
  (Don't squeeze the Charmin, Part I)
Musical Direction and Arrangements: Richard Hartley
  (Richard's got a Hard-on)
Director of Photography: Peter Suschitzkey
  (Peter Shu-shit-sky!) (What the fuck is shu-shit-sky?) (Polish diarrhea!)
Film and Music Editor: Graeme Clifford
  (It's a creamy Clifford!) (Ladies! Don't you wish your Clifford's were creamy!) (And fucking and sucking on)
Design: Brian Thompson
  (Brian Thompson)
Original Costume Design: Sue Blane
  (Don't blame Sue, she just designed the costumes, Originally.)
Incidental Music: Richard Hartley
Dances Staged: David Toguri
  (Richard's got a hard-on, again, and David's in a toga, TOGA, TOGA!)
Sound Recordist: Ron Barron
  (Curse you, Ron Barron)
Music Recording: Kieth Grant
  (Denis Lewiston, I presume)
Dubbing Mixer: Bill Rowe
  (Bill Rows, and Ian was fuller)
Dubbing Editor: Ian Fuller
  (Boring, Part I)
Assistant Editor: Rodney Glenn
Camera Operator: Denis Lewiston
Camera Focus: Mike Roberts
Art Director: Terry Ackland-Snow
  (It's snowing in Ackland!)
Construction Manager: Dick Frift
  (It's a frifty dick!)
Set Dresser: Ian Hitlaker
Make Up: Peter Robb-King
Based on original make up designed by: Pierre La Roche
  (Somebody smoke that La Roach)
Hairdresser: Ramon Gow
  (It's a Ramon Cow,)
Wardrobe: Richard Pointing
  (and Richard's pointing at it!)
and Gillian Dods
  (And a Gillian Dods...)
Production Manager: John Comford
  (John looks comfortable)
First Assistant Director: Mike Gowans
Continuity: Sue Merry
  (And Sue looks Merry; Or Vise-Versa)
Casting Consultants: Celestia Fox (UK)
  (Celestia Fox's UK!)
Otto and Windsor USA
Production Accountant: Ron Swinburne
  (Ron was born a swine!)
Special Effects: Wally Veevers
  (Gee Wally, said the Veever)
Colin Chilvers
  (My colon chilvers...)
to the late night, double feature, picture show,
By RKO,
  (What's an RKO?) (A really kinky orgasm!)
Associate Producer: John Goldstone
  (Smoke the Gold and you'll get stoned!)
Executive Producer: Lou Adler
...to the late night, double feature, picture show.
  (Where's the best place to fuck?) (In the back row!) (Fuck the back row!) (Fuck the Front row!)
  (Come on down the Price is Right!) (Your price is always right!)
Produced by: Michael White
Directed by: Jim Sharman
  (Offer for a limited time only, California residence must add proper sales tax!)
To the last night, double feature, picture show... .

END SONG

Back to Top
The Wedding / Dammit, Janet
LIPS FADE INTO BACKGROUND AND DISSOLVE TO A CROSS
  (See the lips lick the bird shit off the cross!) (Nobody else will!)
(What time is it?) (Its 4 til 12.) (It always 4 til 12, the world's stopped the clocks broken, what's it time for?) (It's time for a wedding!)

THE CROSS IS ON THE SPIRE OF THE DENTON EPISCOPALIAN CHURCH. CRANE DOWN TO REVEAL A WEDDING PARTY EMERGING FROM THE CHURCH.
THE YOUNG COUPLE RALPH, AND BETTY HAPSCHATT, APPEARS FOLLOWED BY A CROWD OF FRIEND AND WELL WISHERS THROWING CONFETTI (AND RICE) AND SHOUTING EXCITEDLY. TWO PHOTOGRAPHERS STAND NEAR THE CHURCH.

PHOTOGRAPHER (HENRY)

Here they come.
  (Again!)
THE PHOTOGRAPHER WAVES HIS HAND, SUMMONING THE FAMILY TOGETHER FOR A PICTURE.

PHOTOGRAPHER (HENRY)

Let's get a picture. Close together now. Parent's and the grandparents. Yeah, all the close family.
  (AS HENRY NUDGES HIS ASSISTANT IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE WORDS, SAY, “Nudge, Nudge.”)
  (Look! The preachers a transvestite!) (Everyone in this movie's a transvestite!)
Smile, hold that! Beautiful!
  (No, they are ugly!)
RALPH AND BETTY POSE ON THE STEPS OF THE CHURCH AMOUNG THEIR FAMILY; THEY POSE OF THE PHOTOGRAPH.
  (Hey!)
BRAD MAJORS, A YOUNG, SLIGHTLY AWKWARD CLEAN-CUT AMERICAN IN HIS MID-TWENTIES, COMES OVER TO CONGRATULATE RALPH.
  (Asshole!)
BRAD AND RALPH SHAKE HANDS.

BRAD

Hey, Ralph.
ZOOM IN ON FARMER AND PREACHER (RIFF RAFF AND FRANK).
  (We see you Riff-Raff, but the virgins don't!)

DENTONIAN

Congratulations!
  (Echo: Ejaculations!)

RALPH

I guess we really did it, huh.
BRAD AND RALPH EXCHANGE PUNCHES
  (Exchange punches: Asshole fight!)

BRAD

I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher courses.
  (Echo: Since we put super glue on the condoms!)

RALPH

Well to tell you the truth, Brad...
  (AT THIS POINT THE TO THE CAMERAMAN A FEMALE CAST OR AUDIENCE MEMBER SCREAMS (PREFERABALY ONE WEARING A DRESS-OR OBVIOUSLY EXPOSING HERSELF TO THE SCREEN), “Hey, camera man!” , RUNS UP TO THE SCREEN, LIES ON HER BACK, AND SPREADS HER LEGS TOWARD THE SCREEN. “Get a picture of this!” JUST IN TIME FOR THE CAMERAMAN TO TURN AND LOOK AND POINT HIS CAMERA. (ALSO WORKS IF SHE RIPS OPEN HER SHIRT IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN EXPOSING HERSELF THAT WAY)
...that's the only reason I showed up in the first place. (chuckles) I mean--

BETTY

OK you guys, this is it. (EVERYONE SCREAMS)

RALPH

Well, It looks like Betty's going to throw the bouquet.
  (Echo: Betty's gonna toss her cookies.)

THROW BOUQUET

JANET

  (Hey, Janet, who's got Syph?)
Woo! I got it! I got it!

RALPH

Hey, big fella!
  (How would you know?)
Looks like it could be your turn next, eh?
  (Cool, they're talking turns on her!)

BRAD

Who knows.

RALPH

Well, so long, see you Brad.
  (See ya, sucker!)
A CAR PULLS INTO SCENE.
Guess we better get going now Betty. Come on, hop in.
  ((READ CAR) “Wait til tonight! She got hers, now he'll get his”)
  (Think about it,asshole!)
  (Hit the car twice if you like little boys, Brad!)
BRAD SMACKS THE HOOD OF THE CAR
HOLD ON NOTICE BOARD READING: “BE JUST AND FEAR NOT.”
  (And the moral of this movie is, (READ BOARD) Be just and fear not. Be drunk and feel nothing! Be stoned and laugh at everything! Ha Ha Ha Ha.)
CAMERA PANS WITH RALPH AND BETTY AS THEY DRIVE OFF, GUESTS RUNNING AFTER TAKING PICTURES AND CHANTING.

GUESTS (OFF SCREEN)

Hapschatt, Hapschatt, rah, rah, rah...

JANET

Oh, Brad, wasn't it wonderful?
  (No!)
Didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful?
  (No, she looked like shit!)
I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old Betty Monroe
  (Betty the ho)
and, now...
  (Now she's a slut!)
...now, she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.
  (Hapshit!)

BRAD

  (Look to your right, Brad. (HE DOES) You're learning.)
Yes, Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy.
  (No, he's not, she's got the Syph!)
THEY WALK THROUGH A GRAVEYARD.

JANET

Yes.

DENTONIAN

I always cry at weddings.
  (Do you laugh at funerals?)

BRAD

Everyone knows...
  (Hey! What's that statue holding?)Not much!)
...that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
  (She's the hottest baked potato in Denton.)

JANET

Yes.
  (Look! That billboard's got a hard-on!) (No, but it's got point-tin-tial!)
  (Denton. Where the men are me and the sheep are scared...Baaa!)

BRAD

Why, Ralph, himself, he'll be lined up for a promotion in a year or two.
  (He'll get a raise tonight.)

JANET

Yes.
THEY STOP IN FRONT OF A SIGN: “DENTON: HOME OF HAPPINESS.”
  (READ SIGN) Yay Denton! Home of Happiness!)

SONG STARTS: “Dammit, Janet”

BRAD

Hey, Janet.
  (Sit on my face and tell me that you love me!)

JANET

Yes, Brad?

BRAD

I've got something to say.
  (Say it, Asshole!) (No, sing it! It's a musical!)

JANET

Uh huh.

BRAD

I really love the...
  (Starts with S. Sleazy, slimy, slutty, slutburger...)
...skillful way...
  (What a fuckin's genius!)
...you beat the other girls...
  (With whips and chains...)
to the bride's bouquet.
  (And that too.)

JANET

Oh. Oh Brad...
  (Eat your veggies, bitch!)
  (AUDIENCE ECHO: “JANET” WITH “BITCH” and “OH, BRAD” LIKE THEMELVES)

BRAD

  (Tell us about that river, Brad.)
The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)
The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
  (Echo: Can it asshole!)
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
  (Echo: Dammit Janet, I want to screw.)
JANET LEANS TOWARD JANET TO KISS BRAD, BUT HE BACKS AWAY TO THE CHURCH STEPS.
The road was long but I ran it.
  (Backwards!)
There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet)
  (Echo: I piss in my pants and you fan it.) (Hey, Riff! Bet you can't hit me!) (STAND ON RIGHT SIDE OF SCREEN)
If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
RIFF TOSSES THE PITCHFORK.
  (Ahhhh!)
I've one thing to say and that's.
Dammit, Janet. I love you.
  (Echo: Only assholes write on doors!)
Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker.
  (Echo: ...that I will poke her.)
There's...
CHURCH BELLS RING OUT. RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA OPEN DOORS AND SOLEMNLY ENTER THE CHURCH, DOOR CLOSES BEHIND THEM.
...three ways that love can grow
  (With Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll!)
That's good, bad...
BRAD GOES TO PUT THE RING ON JANETS FINGER AND DROPS IT.
...or mediocre.
  (Long, longer, and, oh my God!)
BRAD BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP THE RING. JANET CROUCHES BESIDE HIM. HE PUTS THE RING ON HER FINGER.
  (Hey, Brad, how do you spell slut?)
Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so.
  (Echo: ...I want a blow)
JANET BURSTS INTO THE CHURCH, HYPNOTIZED BY THE RING. BRAD FOLLOWS HER.
  (Hey, Janet, how's your vibrator?)

JANET

Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)
  (It's nicer than anything you've had!) (Turn flowers, now!)
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad. (Oh Brad)
That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
  (Echo: ...you fuck Mom and you blow Dad's (Gonads))
I've one thing to say and that's....
RIFF RAFF AND COLUMBIA RISE FROM PEW AND MOVE OFF SCREEN. MAGENTA FOLLOWS THEM. JANET TAKES BRAD'S ARM.
...Brad, I'm mad, for you too.
  (Echo: ...Brad, I'm mad, for your kazoo....(BLOW KAZOO))
BRAD AND JANET WALK FORWARD, ARM IN ARM.
Oh, Brad...

BRAD

Oh... dammit.
  (Echo: Oh...shit.)
BRAD MOVES OFF SCREEN BETWEEN ROWS OF PEWS.
  (It's the Asshole shuffle. Would you wear white socks with a black suit?)
RIFF RAFF, FOLLOWED BY COLUMBIA AND MAGENTA, EXITS THROUGH DOOR.

JANET

I'm mad...

BRAD

Oh, Janet.
  (Echo: Oh...shit.)

JANET

For you.
JANET HOLDS HER HAND UP TO BRAD'S FACE AND LOOKS AT HER RING AS SHE TAKES HER HAND DOWN.

BRAD

I love you too-oo-oo.
  (Echo: I want to scre-e-ew)

BRAD & JANET

There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.
  (Echo: There's one thing left do ah-chooo!!!)
WE ARE AWARE OF THE FAMILY BRINGING IN COFFIN IN B.G. THROUGH VESTRY DOOR.

BRAD

And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
  (Echo: And that's go pick my nose and then flick it.) (He's in the box!)
When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)
THE FAMILY MOVES INTO POSITION BEHIND COFFIN IN B.G.
  (He's still in the box!)
Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)
  (Echo: Made me give you the eye and then whack it.) OR (Made me piss in my pants and then fan it.)
Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you.
JANET RUNS TO BRAD; HE HUGS HER. BRAD CIRCLES JANET.
Dammit, Janet.
JANET CIRCLES BRAD TWICE; ADMIRING HER RING ON THE WAY.
(CLAP ALONG WITH THE MUSIC BEAT.)

JANET

Oh Brad, I'm mad.
  (Echo: Oh, Brad, you fag!)

BRAD

Dammit, Janet.
BRAD AND JANET KNEEL TOGETHER WITH EACH FOLLOWING WORD UNTIL THEY ARE KNEELING ON THE FLOOR.

BRAD & JANET

I love you.
  (I Wanna Screw!)
BRAD AND JANET KISS.
  (See, Janet, kiss her asshole, what a fucking contortionist!)

END SONG

Back to Top
In the Car / At the Frankenstein Place
THE CROSS ABOVE SPLITS OPTICALLY, REVEALING: MAHOGNAY BOOKCASES, A LARGE DESK WITH A PROMINENT GLOBE OF THE WORLD. A WELL-PADDED ARMCHAIR HAS IT'S BACK TO THE CAMERA. IT SWINGS AROUND REVEALING THE CRIMINOLOGIST. HE IS IN HIS SMOKING JACKET. HE SPEAKS DIRECTLY TO US.
  (Ladies and Gentlemen, the man you are about to see has no fucking neck!)

CRIMINOLOGIST

I would like...
  (You would, would you?)
...ah, if I may,
  (You may...)
To take you...
  (Where?)
...on a strange journey.
  (So strange, that they made a movie about it.)
HE CROSSES THE BOOKSHELF. HE SELECTS A DOSSIER.
  (Not the book, the movie!)
WE SEE THE TITLE: “THE DENTON AFFAIR”.
  (It's the same fucking book, every fucking week!)
HE TURNS TOWARD THE CAMERA AND OPENS THE DOSSIER; TURNS OVER PAGES SHOWING RALPH AND BETTY'S WEDDING.
  (And this asshole took pictures!) (And you're in 'em!)
HE STOPS AT A PHOTOGRAPH OF BRAD.
It seems a fairly ordinary night...
  (Ordinary?)
...when Brad Majors,
  (Asshole!)
and his fiancee...
HE TURNS THE PAGE REVEALING A PICTURE OF JANET.
Janet Weiss,
  (Slut!) (Not yet, give her time!)
Two young, normal, healthy kids
  (Healthy? That's masturbate-able.)
WE SEE THE CRIMINOLOGIST AS HE LOOKS OVER THE DOSSIER.
  (Look! He's got a pussy on his chin!) (He's got a dead one between his eyes!)
Left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott;
  (Echo:...Snot! BLOWING NOSES AND SNORTING SOUNDS)
THE CRIMINOLOGIST TURNS THE PAGE TO REVEAL A PHOTOGRAPH OF DR. SCOTT.
Ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them.
THE CRIMINOLOGIST CLOSES THE DOSSIER AND RESTS IT ON THE TABLE.
  (Is it true you have a one inch dick?)
It's true there were dark storm clouds...
  (Describe your balls!)
...heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving.
  (Is it true also that you are masturbating behind that book?)
PLACES THE DOSSIER ON THE BOOK STAND.
It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air.
  (So's your fucking neck!)
But, eh, they being normal kids
  (Normal?)
Eh, on a night out...
  (it was a night in!)
well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening,
  (Certainly not, especially on a night IN!)
...On a night out...
  (It was a NIGHT IN!!!)
HE LEANS TOWARD THE CAMERA.
  (AS CHUCKY GETS LOWER TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN SOMEONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN CAN APPEAR TO BE PULLING ON HIS TIE. FINALLY, THEY STICK A FIST UP AND “FIST FUCK” HIS CHIN.)
It was a night out, they were going to remember...
  (How long has Tim Curry been God?)
...for a very long time.
  (What a fucking trip!)

WIPE TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD-NIGHT
A WINDSCREEN WIPER WORKING UNDER STRAIN. TORRENTIAL RAIN ON THE WINDSCREEN. BRAD CONCENTRATING ON VISIBILITY. JANET IS READING A NEWSPAPER AND IGNORING THE RICHARD RESIGNATION SPEECH BARLEY AUDIBLE OVER THE CAR RADIO. WE PICK UP FROM THE PHRASE “I HAVE NEVER BEEN A QUITTER...”
  (Do, do do do do do do do Commercialism! (BATMAN))

PRESIDENT NIXON'S VOICE OVER THE CAR RADIO

  (Hey dick, have you ever been quitter?)
I have never been a quitter.
  (Bullshit.)
To leave office before my term was completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body.
  (You call that a body?)
But as President,
  (You call that a President?)
We must put the interests of America first.
  (What does America need dick?)
America needs a full time president.
  (Not a part time asshole, like you!)
  (THROUGHOUT THE SPEECH, AS THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS MOVE BACK AND FORTH AT BRAD SAY “Asshole” AND AT JANET SAY “Slut”. THEN BEGIN DIALOGUE.)
(Windshield wipers on speed: Asshole,slut,asshole,slut... Windshield wipers slower: Ass hole...slut...ass hole...slut.
Windshield wipers on acid: Pink! Blue! Yellow! Green! Windshield wipers on crack: (SLURRED) Assssshol- (FALLS OVER, DEAD).)

  (Hey, Janet, you cheep slut. Gosh, one, gosh two)
MOTORCYCLIST APPROACHES AND DRIVES PASS THE CAR.

JANET

Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.
  (No, it's the first, bitch. You just can't count.)
They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.

BRAD

Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.
  (So's Janet for that matter.)
JANET RAISES A BAR OF CHOCOLATE; TAKES A BITE AND CHEWS IT.
  (Janet's eating Ex-lax and liking it) (Hope that candy bar's got nuts, cause Brad doesn't.)
  ((BRAD) Hey, I resemble that remark!)

JANET

What's the matter, Brad darling?
HEADLIGHTS ON SIGN READING: “DEAD END.” BRAD STOPS THE CAR.

BRAD

  (Make a sound like a cow in heat!)
Mmm. We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.
  (It was a spoon!) (No, it was a spork, they went to Taco Bell!)

JANET

Oh, but, then where did that motorcyclist come from?
  (MIMIC THE “TWILIGHT ZONE” THEME MUSIC: “Do, do, do... “)

BRAD

Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.

CUT TO: ROAD

CAR REVERSES
  (No, don't turn back!)
BRAD PUTS HIS FOOT ON THE ACCELERATOR.
  (Get fresh, grab her tits now!)
BRAD HOLDS JANET BACK.
THE WHEEL SKIDS AND EXPLODES.

CUT TO: CAR, SHOOTING THROUGH WIND SCREEN

JANET

What was that bang!
  (A gang bang!)

BRAD

We must have a blowout.
  (Kill the Smurf, Brad! La, la. La, la, la-)
Dammit! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed!
  (Asshole!)
Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help.

JANET

But where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere...

BRAD

  (Hey, didn't you pass a castle back down the road a few miles?)
Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles?
  (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Maybe they have a telephone we could use.
  (Castles don't have phones, Asshole.)

JANET

I'm going with you.

BRAD

Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.
  (Too Late!)

JANET

I'm coming with you!
  (That'll be a first!)
Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman...
  (He is!)
...and you might never come back again.
  (You should be so lucky.)
BRAD LAUGHS AND GET OUT OF THE CAR. JANET PULLS A NEWSPAPER OVER HER HEAD AND FOLLOWS HIM OUT.
  (Buy an umbrella you cheap bitch!)

CUT TO: ROAD

  (Hey, Brad, do something manly and kick the tire!)
BRAD KICKS THE FLAT TIRE.
  (See, Janet, walk like a chicken on it's period! Balk, Balk, BAWLK!)
AS BRAD AND JANET APPROACH A TREE; A BOLT OF LIGHTING STRIKES IT.
  (SHAZAAMM!)

WIPE TO: CASTLE GATES

BRAD AND JANET STOP BY THE CASTLE GATES.
  (What sign hangs between my ex-girlfriend's legs?)
BRAD READS A SIGN ON THE GATE: “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.” JANET SEES IT TOO.
  (No, that's parking in rear only!)
A BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRIKES, LIGHTING UP THE SIGN. HOLD ON SIGN
  (How long... does it take... to read... five... fucking... words?)

CUT TO: CASTLE GROUNDS

RAIN POURS OFF THE NEWSPAPER DOWN JANET'S FACE.
  ((GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE THEME SONG) George, George, George of the jungle, strong as he can be! George, George, George of the jungle watch out for that tree!)
SHE WALKS FORWARD; COLLIDES WITH A TREE BRANCH, THEN CONTINUES FORWARD. CAMERA TRACKS BACK.

SONG STARTS: “At the Frankenstein Place”

  (Where's the best place to masturbate?)

JANET

In the velvet darkness
  (Best place?)
Of the blackest night
  (Best time?)
Burning bright
  (What's up your ass?)
There's a guiding star.
  (That must hurt.) (Hey, Janet, will you fuck anything?)
No matter...
FLASH OF LIGHTNING. JANET MOVES FORWARD, CATCHING UP WITH BRAD.
....what, or who you are.
THEY PASS A ROW OF TREES. THE SHAPE OF A CASTLE IS SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE SKY. IT HAS A FLAG FLYING FROM TURRET. A GLOW OF LIGHT APPEARS IN THE WINDOW. IT ILLUMINATES A PATH TO THE CASTLE.
BRAD AND JANET TURN. THE CASTLE IS IN THE DISTANCE BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM.

BRAD & JANET

There's a light.
(“LIGHT” CUES THE LIGHTING OF FLASHLIGHTS.)
CASTLE LOOMS IN THE DISTANCE.

PHANTOM VOICES OFF SCREEN

Over at the Frankenstein place.

BRAD & JANET

There's a light...
THE CASTLE LOOMS CLOSER.

PHANTOM VOICES OFF SCREEN

  (Where do you keep small children?)
Burning in the fireplace...

BRAD AND JANET

JANET LOOKS TO BRAD
There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.
  (AT “darkness” EVERYONE SAYS “DARKNESS” AND FLASHLIGHTS GO OUT. IF NOT ALL GO OUT, SCREAM “Darkness, virgins!”)
JANET AND BRAD LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER; THEN MOVE OFF THE ROAD TO ALLOW MOTORCYCLISTS TO RIDE PAST THEM.
  (Look out! It's the Evil Knievel fan club!) (No! It's dikes on bikes!) (D.D.S! Sorry, doctor!)
AS THEY RIDE AWAY, CAMERA TILTS UP AND ZOOMS IN ON RIFF RAFF AT THE CASTLE WINDOW.
  (Sing to us, O hairless one!)

RIFF RAFF

The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.
  (Unnecessary close up, NOW!) (It's the incredible shrinking Riff Raff doing his...)
Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming...
  (. . impersonation of the Bee Gee's, all in a 4 CD set!)
...Into my life
  (But what'll I get if I order now?)
...Into my life
  (If you order now you will get lightening inside the castle! (THIS SHOULD BE TIMED RIGHT TO THE LIGHTING STRIKE!)

CUT TO:

EXT. CASTLE DRIVE-NIGHT
BRAD AND JANET START MOVING DOWN THE DRIVEWAY

BRAD & JANET

There's a light...
(FLASHLIGHTS, again)
  (Free bird!)

CUT TO:

CASTLE FACADE-GRIFFIN-NIGHT
SHADOW TURNS IN THE WINDOW.

PHANTOM VOICES O.S.

Over at the Frankenstein place.

CUT TO:

EXT.CASTLE-NIGHT
BRAD AND JANET APPROACH THE GATEWAY TO THE CASTLE.

BRAD & JANET

There's a light...

CUT TO:

CASTLE FACADE-NIGHT
CAMERA TRACKS IN AND TILTS UP TO ROOF. FLASHES OF LIGHTING.
  (HERE, TWO PEOPLE RUN UP TO THE SCREEN AS THE CAMERA PANS UP-IT LOOKS AS IF THEY RAN UP THE SIDE OF THE CASTLE. THEY STAND ARGUING ABOUT WHO WON THE RACE WHEN THE LIGHTING STRIKES AND KNOCKS THEM DOWN. OR ONE DOWN-HOWEVER CHOSEN TO PLAY.)

PHANTOM VOICES O.S.

  (Where's the best place to keep Michael Jackson?)
Burning in the fireplace.
  (Pepsi tried that!)

BRAD & JANET

There's a light, a light.
BRAD AND JANET TURN TO FACE ONE ANOTHER.
In the darkness of everybody's life.
  (FLASHLIGHTs off at “darkness” again)

END SONG

Back to Top
The Timewarp

WIPE TO:

INT. STUDY-NIGHT
THE CRIMINOLOGIST IS IN HIS ARMCHAIR. HE LEANS FORWARD.

CRIMINOLOGIST

  (And the ten million dollar question is: Betsy Ross did take needle and thread...)
And so,
  (And sew, and sew her twat together.)
it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet and that they had found the assistance that their plight required.
  (Are you sure?)
Or had they?
  (Nyah-ha-ha)
THUNDERCLAP.

WIPE TO:

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF CASTLE-NIGHT
  (Damn, look at the pecker on that bird!) (It's big bird on Acid!)
BRAD AND JANET APPROACH THE FRONT DOOR. SHE LOWERS THE PAPER FROM HER HEAD. HE TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND WIPS THEM WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF.
  (Somebody give him a beak job!)

JANET

Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened!

BRAD

Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.
  (Castles don't have phones!)
HE PUTS ON HIS GLASSES AND PRESSES THE DOORBELL.
  (Ding, dong, asshole calling, Avon couldn't make it. 1, 2, 3, 4, open up the fucking door; 5, 6, 7, 8, why are you so fucking late?)
(Because he's pregnant, and it's a spinal pregnancy, look at that hump!)

CUT TO:

INT. CASTLE-NIGHT
RIFF RAFF'S HAND ENTERS THE SCENE; OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL BRAD AND JANET. VOICES ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND AS IF THERE IS A PARTY GOING ON IN THE DISTANCE.
THE FIGURE THAT WAS SEEN AT THE WINDOW EMERGES. HE IS A HUNCHBACKED SERVENT, RIFF RAFF.

RIFF RAFF

  (Say hello, Riff!)
Hello.

BRAD

  (State your condition, Brad!)
Hi!
  (Wish I was.)
My name is Brad Majors,
  (Asshole!)
and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss.
  (Slut!) (Not yet but give her time!)
I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?

RIFF RAFF

  (Look between Janet's legs!)
You're wet.

JANET

  (Janet, do you used a waterproof vibrator?)
Yes.
  (Why?)
It's raining.
  (Hell of a reason!)

BRAD

  (Do you like little boys, Brad?)
Yes.

RIFF RAFF

  (Are you on drugs, Riff? OR Do you fuck your sister?)
Yes...

CUT TO:

EXT.CASTLE-NIGHT
A BOLT OFLIGHTING ILLUMINATES A ROW OF VEHICLES PARKED BY THE CASTLE.
  (Oh shit! You weren't supposed to see that!)

CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF CASTLE-NIGHT
BRAD SEES THEM AND REACTS WITH SURPRISE.
RIFF RAFF REALIZES BRAD HAS SEEN THEM.

RIFF RAFF

I think perhaps you better both...
  (Fuck off!)
...come inside.
  (I don't care where you cum, as long as you clean it up, and don't get it in my hair.)

JANET

You're too kind.
  (No, he's just horny, look at his eyes!)
THEY ENTER APPREHENSIVELY.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. FRONT ENTRANCE HALL-FRANKENSTEIN'S CASTLE-NIGHT
  (Shake you jacket three times if you're an asshole Brad, Janet, better get the cum out of your hair. OR Show us how assholes fly, Brad!)
(Can you spot the domestic in this picture?)
(Not through Janet's fat back!)
(Fat back and chitlins -Yeehaw!)

JANET

...oh, Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?
WE HEAR MUSIC BECOMING LOUDER.
  (Brad, describe the White House)

BRAD

Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.
  (Yay, rich weirdos!)

JANET

Oh!
RIFF RAFF SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AND BECKONS THEM TO FOLLOW.

RIFF RAFF

  (Hey Riff, show us how you finger fuck your sister!)
This way...
  (Follow the bouncing thumb.) (I got a boogie on my thumb!)
AS RIFF RAFF WALKS FORWARD, BELOW THE STAIRCASE, MAGENTA, ANOTHER SERVANT, IS REVEALED ON THE STAIRS, HOLDING A DUSTER.

JANET

Are you... having a party?
  (No, it's my sister's Batmitzvah.)

RIFF RAFF

You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.
  (Which one?) (Just don't say lucky.)

JANET

Oh, lucky him.

MAGENTA

  (ECHO ALONG, TOO!)
You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! (SHE LAUGHS)
  (During 'we're': The banister's lucky!) (No, it's not she's got dry rot!)
MAGENTA SLIDES DOWN THE BANNISTER, TOSSING THE DUSTER TO RIFF, WHO CATCHES IT.
CLOCK IN THE SHAPE OF AN UPRIGHT COFFIN STRIKES TWELVE.
  (Hey, Riff, show us your mummy!)
RIFF WALKS TO THE COFFIN AND DUSTS, THEN OPENS THE COFFIN DOOR, REVEALING THE SKELETON WITHIN.
BRAD AND JANET ARE RATHER UNNERVED BY THE OUTBURST FROM THE DOMESTIC. THEY LOOK BACK TO RIFF RAFF.

SONG STARTS: “The Timewarp”

RIFF RAFF

  (ONE PERSON: Tell everybody what sex with me is like.)
It's astounding
  (What's time doing?)
Time is fleeting
  (Name a shitty English rock group.)
Madness...
  (Definitely!)
takes its toll.
  (Picks my nose!)
But listen closely...
  (Janet's a virgin!)

MAGENTA

Not for very much longer.

RIFF RAFF

  (How many balls do you have?)
I've got to...
keep control.
  (Echo: Smoke a bowl!)
RIFF GIVES MAGENTA A STRANGE SIGNAL AND STARTS TO DANCE IN EXTRODINARY FASHION.
I remember, doing the time-warp
  (Echo: ...doing your mother! Once, twice)
Drinking...
  (Echo:... three times a lady!)
Those moments when
The blackness would hit me
MAGENTA PUSHES JANET AND BRAD BEFORE HER. SHE TURNS TO RIFF RAFF AND THEY DANCE AFTER BRAD AND JANET TOWARD A DOOR IN THE BACKGROUND.

RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA

And a void would be calling...

Cut to:

INT. BALLROOM-NIGHT
THE DOORS OPEN REVEALING BRAD AND JANET AT THE DOOR WAY OF A HUGE BLACK AND SILVER BALLROOM. AT THE FURTHEST END IS A THRONE-LIKE CHAIR AND SURROUNDING IT, A THEATRE PROCENIUM. IN THE BODY OF THE ROOM ARE SEVERAL TRANSYLVANIAN GUESTS. THEY ARE THE PEOPLE BRAD AND JANET PASSED ON THE ROAD AND ARE ACTUALLY THE TRANSYLVANIAN SECRET AGENTS-ASSEMBLED ON THIS SPECIAL OCCASION FROM ALL OVER THE EARTH. IT IS THE ANNAUAL TRANSYLVANIAN CONVENTION-ANNOUNCED BY AN OFFICIAL BANNER SUSPENDED OVER THE BALLROOM. THEY ARE ALL DRESSED IN STRANGE BUT ELEGANT EVENING WEAR. THEY ARE A DISTORTED VERSION OF THE GUESTS FROM THE DENTON WEDDING. A PARTY PREVAILS, THEY THROW THEIR ARMS OUT A PLEA TO RIFF RAFF ON THE BALCONY.
  (HERE, GET THE AUDIENCE INVOLVED IN THE TIME WARP! THEY SHOULD STAND IN THE AISLES AND DANCE ALONG WITH THE CAST AND EVERYONE ELSE!)

GUESTS

Let's do the time-warp again!
BRAD AND JANET WALK FORWARD INTO THE ROOM. RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA STEP IN BEHIND THEM AND CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.

GUESTS

Let's do the time-warp again!

WIPE TO:

INT. STUDY-NIGHT   (How's it done, Chucky?)
THE CRIMINOLOGIST MOVES FROM BEHIND HIS DESK TO THE WALL BEHIND HIM. HE PULLS DOWN A CHART WITH ILLUSTRATED DANCE STEPS ON IT. HE GESTURES TO THE APPROPRIATE SECTON OF THE DIAGRAM WIH THE POINTER.

CRIMINOLOGIST

It's just a jump to the left.

WIPE TO:

INT. BALLROOM-NIGHT
THE GUESTS LEAP TO THE LEFT ONE GIANT STEP.

GUESTS

And then a step to the right.
  (1, 2, 3!)

WIPE TO:

INT.STUDY-NIGHT
THE NARROTOR PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS.

CRIMINOLOGIST

Put your hands on your hips.
  (Echo: Tits -- or somebody else's.)

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM-NIGHT
ALL GUESTS HAVE HANDS ON HIPS.

GUESTS

You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
  (Group sex, group sex...)
THE ROWS OF GUEST OPEN WITH PELVIC THRUSTS.
That really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane.
A MAN WEARING DARK GLASSES NAND HOLDING A PLATE OF ECLAIRS PUTS ONE INTO HIS MOUTH. JANET FAINTS INTO BRAD'S ARMS.
Let's do the time-warp again!
  (Lets do that damn dance, again!)
THE GUESTS TURN TO FACE THE CAMERA AND HOLS UP THEIR RIGHT HANDS. Let's do the time-warp again!
  (Lets do that damn dance, again)
JANET, IN BRAD'S ARM, REVIVES. MAGENTA BEGINS TO DANCE FOWARD AS IF IN A TRANCE AS RIFF RAFF PUSHES BRAD AND JANET FORWARD.

MAGENTA

  (What's sex like with you?)
It's so dreamy,
oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me...
  (Do you douche?)
no, not at all.
BRAD AND JANET LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN ALARM. MAGENTA MOVES COUNTER CLOCKWISE AS SHE SINGS.

MAGENTA

  (Where are you tits?)
In another dimension,
  (How do you fuck?)
with voyeuristic intention,
  (Where is your twat?)
Well secluded,
  (What do you see on acid, bitch?)
I see all.
  (How do you change your mind?)

RIFF RAFF

With a bit of a mind flip
  (Echo: fuck!)

MAGENTA

  (What do you do if you forget your time card?)
You're into the time slip.
  (Fuck, fuck, fuck that bird!)
RIFF RAFF OFFERS BRAD AND JANET A DONUT.
(Wanna donut? It's got a tighter hole than Janet!)
BRAD DECLINES THE DONUT.

RIFF RAFF

And nothing can ever be the same.
MAGENTA DANCES FORWARD.
  (What's it like when you fuck Magenta?)

MAGENTA

You're spaced out on sensation.

RIFF RAFF

  (How bout Riff?)
Like you're under sedation!
JANET FAINTS AGAIN IN BRAD'S ARMS.
CAMERA PANS WITH RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA AS THEY DANCE PAST BRAD, STILL HOLDING JANET IN HIS ARMS, TOWARD COLUMBIA, A YOUNG GIRL--THE HOUSEHOLD GROUPIE--SITTING ON A JUKE BOX AT THE END OF THE BALLROOM.

GUESTS

Let's do the time-warp again!
Let's do the time-warp again!

COLUMBIA

  (SING "Ooh-wee-ooh-ooh's," ALA THE BEACH BOYS)
Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again
LINE OF GUEST TURN AND FACE THE CAMERA.

GUESTS

Let's do the time-warp again!
Let's do the time-warp again!
  (Let's do this damn dance again!)

CUT TO:

INT. STUDY-NIGHT

CRIMINOLOGIST

It's just a jump to the left!
THE CRIMINOLOGIST JUMPS TO HIS LEFT.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM-NIGHT
LINE OF GUEST JUMPT TO THEIR LEFT.

GUESTS

And then a step to the right!

CUT TO:

INT. STUDY-NIGHT
CRIMINOLOGIST STANDS WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS.

CRIMINOLOGIST

With your hands on your hips.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM-NIGHT
THE GUESTS PUT THEIR HANDS ON THEIR HIPS AND START TO DANCE.

GUESTS

You bring your knees in tight!
But it's the pelvic thrust
RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA DANCE INTO SCENE INFRONT OF LIE OF GUESTS.
That really drives you insa-a-a-a-ne.
Let's do the time-warp again!
EVERYONE REVERSES DIRECTION.
Let's do the time-warp again!
COLUMBIA HOPS DOWN FROM THE JUKE BOX AND STARTS TO DANCE AS SHE TAKES OFF HER HAT.   (DURING COLUMBIA'S TAP DANCE, TIME IN (WHILE CLAPPING THE BEAT), WITH THE MUSIC THE "LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS" SONG, "DENTIST"
(Everybody clap! (IN BEAT))
  (2,4,6,8, Show us how you masturbate!)
Ah!
  (3,5,7,9 We know you do it all the time!)
Oh!
  (10,20,30,40 Now we know you're really horny!)
YEOOWW!!
  (4,6,8,10 now clean it up and do it again!)
Ahhh!
COLUMBIA FALLS ON THE STAIRS.

GUESTS

Let's do the time warp again!
COLUMBIA PUTS ON HER TOP HAT, RISES FROM THE STAIRS. THE GUEST BOW TO HER.
Let's do the time warp again!

CUT TO:

INT.STUDY-NIGHT
THE CRIMINOLOGIST STANDS ATOP HIS DESK. HE JUMPS TO THE LEFT.

CRIMINOLOGIST

It's just a jump to the left!
  (Echo: Get the fuck off the desk!)

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM-NIGHT
THE GUEST AND COLUMBIA TAKE A JUMP. BRAD AND JANET REACT.

GUESTS

And then a step to the right!

CUT TO:

INT. STUDY-NIGHT

CRIMINOLOGIST

With your hands on your hips!

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM-NIGHT
THREE GUESTS PUT THEIR ANDS ON THEIR HIP. CAMERA TRACKS WITH BRAD AND JANET AS THEY STEP AWAY.

GUESTS

You bring your knees in tight.
THE GUESTS, HANDS ON HIPS, ROCK FORWARD.
But it's the pelvic thrust
that really drives you...

CUT TO:

INT. STUDY-NIGHT
THE CRIMINOLOGIST STANDS ATOP HIS DESK, DANCING.
...insane!

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM-NIGHT
BRAD AND JANET MOVE BACKWARD UP THE STEPS.
Let's do the time-warp again!
RIFF RAFF AND COLUMBIA DANCE.
Let's do the time-warp again!
ALL EXCEPT BRAD AND JANET FALL TO THE FLOOR, EXHAUSTED.
  (Nytol will help you get you Z's!) (I've fallen, and I can reach my beer!)
(Don't worry Mrs. Anderson will get you a six pack, and be there immediately!) (Shamoo!! )

END SONG

JANET NUDGES BRAD.
  (Brad, say something stupid so we can get the fuck off the floor!)

JANET

Say something!

BRAD

Say!
THE GUESTS LYING ON THE FOOR SIT UP.
Do any of you guys know how to Madison?
  (No, but I can Charleston like a mother fucker!)
Back to Top
Sweet Transvestite
THE GUESTS MUTTER AMONGST THEMSELVES. JANET PULLS BRAD BACK TOWARDS THE DOOR.

JANET

Brad, please, let's get out of here.

BRAD

For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.
BEHIND THEM AN ELEVATOR SLOWLY DECENDS BARIG AFIGURE IN A BLACK CLOAK AND STILETTO HEELS--FRANK--HIS FOOT TAPPING IN TIME TO THE RHYTHM.
  (CLAP IN TIME AND CHANT TO THE BEAT)
  CAST: Say, 'shit!'
  AUDENCE: Shit!
  CAST: 'Goddamn!'
  AUDIENCE: Goddamn!
  CAST: I'm Sam I Am, I am, mother fucker say, 'shit!'
  AUDIENCE: Shit!
  CAST: Goddamn!
  AUDIENCE: Goddamn!
  CAST: I don't like Green eggs and ham, mother fucker, say 'shit!'
  AUDIENCE: shit!
  CAST: 'Goddamn!'
  AUDIENCE: Goddamn!
  CAST: Just sit on my face and erase my nose, bitch!) (IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC))
  ALL THIS HAPPENS DURING BRAD AND JANET'S EXCHANGE OF DIALOUGE)

BRAD

It's just a party, Janet.

JANET

Well, I want to go.

BRAD

Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

JANET

Well then ask the butler or someone.

BRAD

Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with their celebration.

JANET

This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.

BRAD

They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more ... folk dancing.

JANET

Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared. JANET LOOKS UP AT THE ELEVATOR; SHE TURNS TOWARD CAMERA, REACTING.

BRAD

I'm here! There's nothing to worry about.
GUESTS ARISE STARING MESMERIZED AT THE ELEVATOR.
JANET SEES THE SHOE, LOOKS UP AT THE FACE OF IT'S OWNER.
SHE PUTS HER HAND UP TO HER HEAD AND SCREAMS. CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON FRANK IN THE ELEVATOR. JANET SLUMPS TOWARDS THE CAMERA AND FAINTS.
  (EVERYONE SCREAM)
FRANK TURNS AND THROWS OPEN THE ELEVATOR CAGE DOOR.

SONG STARTS: “Sweet Transvestite”

FRANK

How do you do, I
  (I'm fine,)
See you've met my
  (Lunch? Dinner?)
Faithful handyman.
  (Ask Magenta how handy he is.)
CAMERA PANS WITH FRANK AS HE WALKS TOWARD BRAD; STOPS NEXT TO HIM.
He's just a little brought down
Because when you knocked
  (We rang.) He thought you were the candyman.
  (Echo: ...cocaine man.)
Don't get strung out
  (Too late!)
by the way I look.
  (Like Gene Simmons.)
Don't judge a book by its cover.
I'm not much of a man,
  (Obviously!)
by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
  (Echo: ...He's one sick mother fucker!)
FRANK THROWS HIS CAPE BACK ONTO THE THRONE, REVEALING HIS TRANSVESTITE ATTIRE.
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transsexual, Transylvania.
Let me show you around
  (What's a aro-ownd?)
Maybe play you a sound.
  (What's a so-owund?)
  (It rhymes with so-ownd...)
You look like you're both pretty groovy.
  (Lips, turn!)
FRANK WALKS BETWEEN BRAD AND JANET, TURNS AND FACES THEM, FORCING THEM INTO THE BALLROOM.
Or if you want something visual
  (Like pornography?)
That's not too abysmal,
  (I Don't even own a pornograph.)
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.
  (Who the fuck is Steve Reeves?) (Hercules!) (No, that was Fabio!) FRANK TURNS AND MOVES AWAY; BRAD AND JANET FOLLOW HIM. FRANK STOPS BY A WINE DISPENSER. HE PICKS UP A PAPER CUP AN BENDS DOWN TO FILL IT.

BRAD

I'm glad we caught you at home,
Could we use your phone?
  (Echo: Can we jump your bones?)
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JANET. FRANK STRAIGHTENS UP; LOOKS AT THEM THEN DRINKS.

JANET

  (Left!)
Right.
  (Left!)

BRAD

We'll just say where we are,
Then go back to the car.
  ([Echo: Then go fuck in the car.)
TWO GUEST APPROACH FRANK; HE SHAKES HANDS WITH THEM.

FIRST GUEST

Pleasure to meet you Dr. Furter.

BRAD

We don't want to be any worry.
  (Echo: We all want to fuck Tim Curry!)
FRANK THROWS WINE AT THE CAMERA, THEN TURNS ON BRAD AND JANET.

FRANK

So you got caught with a flat?
Well, how 'bout that?
  (Bitchin'!)
Well, babies, don't you panic.
FRANK WALKS TO THE THRONE, BRAD AND JANET FOLLOW HIM.
By the light of the night, it'll all seem all right.
I'll get you a satanic
  (Versus!)
mechanic.
  (Salmon Rushdie!)
FRANK TURNS HIS BACK ON BRAD AND JANET. HE AND COLUMBIA WALK UP THE STEPS TO THE THRONE AND TURN TO FACE CAMERA. THEY DANCE.
I'm just a sweet transvestite
  (Echo: I just a short, fat, bull dike...) (God damned Faggot!)
(WITH THE BEAT OF FRANK AND COLUMBIA'S HIPS: Boom chicka boom chicka boom)
From Transsexual, Transylvania-huh-ha.
  (Echo: From straight, Amish, Pennsylvania.)
Why don't you stay for the night?

RIFF RAFF

Night.
  (Night)

FRANK

Or maybe, a bite?

COLUMBIA

Bite.
  (Bite, not a lick, bitch!)

FRANK

I can show you my favorite obsession.
  (Echo: ...Position.)
I've been making a man
  (You call that a man?)
With Blonde hair and a tan
  (You call that a tan?)
And he's good for relieving my...
  (Sexual!)
Tension.
I'm just a sweet Transvestite.
  (Columbia's getting horny...) FRANK STANDS UP. COLUMBIA AND RIFF RAFF STAND: COUMBIA SISTS ON ARM OF THRONE.
From Transsexual, Transylvania, ha, ha!
  (What do you do when you see an animal in the road?) (AS FRANKS SLAPS HIS ASS: Hit it, Hit it!)
I'm just a sweet transvestite
  (Echo: I'm just a Chattanooga Choo-choo! Whoo-whoooo!)

RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA, AND COLUMBIA

Sweet transvestite
FRANK STORMS THE BALLROOM TO THE ELEVATOR.

FRANK

From Transsexual

FRANK, RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA, AND COLUMBIA

Transylvania, ha, ha!
FRANK GOES TO THE ELEVATOR. BRAD AND JANET EXCHANGE GLANCES.

FRANK

So!
  (Yes?)
Come up to the lab.
  (I can't come that far!) (I can!) (Show off!)
And see what's on the slab.
  (Echo: And fuck me on the slab!)
I see you shiver with antici...
  (Say, it, Say, it! Frank's got consti)
pation.
  (Gross!)
But maybe the rain
  (Hallelujah! And I'm Oral Roberts!) (You're oral anything!)
Isn't really to blame.   (Sue's to blame, she designed the costumes!)
So I'll remove the cause
  (Echo: ...your clothes)
(But what about Bart, Homer, Marge, OJ, Nicole...)

But not, the Symptom!
  (Echo: ...the Simpsons)
FRANK CLOSES THE DOOR; THE ELEVATOR ASCENDS.
THE GUESTS APPLAUD ECSTATICALLY.

END SONG

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